woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
