I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
