So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
