I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
