i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
