haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
