I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
