Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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