I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The power of my boobs compel you
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
