I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
