mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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