Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
