you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
