Swine flu is the new snow day.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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