wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
