flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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