Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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