WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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