I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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