I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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