Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
