Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
