Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
