Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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