SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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