He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
