ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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