we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
