Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
