Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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