i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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