Four minutes until I can fart!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
