I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
