got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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