ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
