Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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