Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
