This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
