If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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