I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
