Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
