Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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