Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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