whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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