you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
