please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just had sex bonerless
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
