How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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