i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
