Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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