Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
