you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Pants are for mortals
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
