Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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