considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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