I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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