I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
