You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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